Suzanne Askham

Wellbeing notes: when someone treats you badly

There are friends that you’ve known so long that they’re virtually family. And there are family members you like so much that they qualify as friends. All being well, they’re the bright flowers along our often bumpy path through life.

But what about the volatile ‘friend’, relative or partner, who offends, hurts or upsets you? The one who treats you in ways that aren’t respectful?

The festive season that we’re just emerging from has hopefully been full of loving kindness for you and yours. But it isn’t, unfortunately, that way for everyone. Prolonged proximity indoors with none of the usual excuses to step away may create the perfect conditions for tempers to fray and snap, and then, very possibly, keep snapping well into the new year. If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of such treatment, it can become extremely hard to forget the pain.

For many years my work meant that countless individuals confided in me about their troubled relationships. I learnt that there are many ways for one person to hurt or disempower another. I saw how, over time, a person’s self-esteem may suffer, making it even harder for them to step away from a toxic relationship. In a minor way, I have also been on the receiving end. Based on the above, non-expert experience, this is the approach that I’ve adopted along the way.

Stand your ground if that’s safe

You, and your wellbeing, matter. Always remember that. When a difficult person seeks to belittle you, it’s too easy to start feeling ‘less than’ – as though you somehow don’t deserve life’s basic human rights. But you do. You always do.

In situations where you feel verbally insulted rather than physically threatened, it might be helpful to remind the bully, “We don’t make personal comments.” There’s something about that schoolroom language that some people respond to. It’s also a good reminder to yourself that no one should become used to being insulted.

Don’t let yourself become isolated within the problem relationship. Step away. Talk to a sympathetic friend if possible. Just talking can help you to see your options more clearly.

Get help if you need it

It’s never okay for someone to physically hurt you. It’s always a good idea to quit a situation like that ASAP. Here are some useful organisations who can help you to arrange a route to safety should that become the best option.

• For women and children who are being abused in the UK, contact Refuge or phone the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, day or night, on 0808 2000 247

• In England and Wales, if you are being abused verbally, physically or through coercive and controlling behaviour, contact Victim Support or phone their helpline, 24/7, on 0808 16 89 111.

• Safe Spaces are safe, confidential rooms where victims can take some time to reflect, access information on specialist support services or call friends or family. Safe Spaces are available in Boots, Morrisons, Superdrug and Well pharmacies, TSB banks and independent pharmacies across the UK.

More sources of help nationwide can be located through gov.uk.

Good friends can become family and family can be good friends. But if such relationships ever threaten to cause you harm, please remember that you and your wellbeing matter. And that there’s always someone who can help.