Wellbeing notes: when someone treats you badly

01/01/2025 at 9:59 am | Posted in Uncategorized, Wellbeing notes | 2 Comments
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There are friends that you’ve known so long that they’re virtually family. And there are family members you like so much that they qualify as friends. All being well, they’re the bright flowers along our often bumpy path through life.

But what about the volatile ‘friend’, relative or partner, who offends, hurts or upsets you? The one who treats you in ways that aren’t respectful?

The festive season that we’re just emerging from has hopefully been full of loving kindness for you and yours. But it isn’t, unfortunately, that way for everyone. Prolonged proximity indoors with none of the usual excuses to step away may create the perfect conditions for tempers to fray and snap, and then, very possibly, keep snapping well into the new year. If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of such treatment, it can become extremely hard to forget the pain.

For many years my work meant that countless individuals confided in me about their troubled relationships. I learnt that there are many ways for one person to hurt or disempower another. I saw how, over time, a person’s self-esteem may suffer, making it even harder for them to step away from a toxic relationship. In a minor way, I have also been on the receiving end. Based on the above, non-expert experience, this is the approach that I’ve adopted along the way.

Stand your ground if that’s safe

You, and your wellbeing, matter. Always remember that. When a difficult person seeks to belittle you, it’s too easy to start feeling ‘less than’ – as though you somehow don’t deserve life’s basic human rights. But you do. You always do.

In situations where you feel verbally insulted rather than physically threatened, it might be helpful to remind the bully, “We don’t make personal comments.” There’s something about that schoolroom language that some people respond to. It’s also a good reminder to yourself that no one should become used to being insulted.

Don’t let yourself become isolated within the problem relationship. Step away. Talk to a sympathetic friend if possible. Just talking can help you to see your options more clearly.

Get help if you need it

It’s never okay for someone to physically hurt you. It’s always a good idea to quit a situation like that ASAP. Here are some useful organisations who can help you to arrange a route to safety should that become the best option.

• For women and children who are being abused in the UK, contact Refuge or phone the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, day or night, on 0808 2000 247

• In England and Wales, if you are being abused verbally, physically or through coercive and controlling behaviour, contact Victim Support or phone their helpline, 24/7, on 0808 16 89 111.

• Safe Spaces are safe, confidential rooms where victims can take some time to reflect, access information on specialist support services or call friends or family. Safe Spaces are available in Boots, Morrisons, Superdrug and Well pharmacies, TSB banks and independent pharmacies across the UK.

More sources of help nationwide can be located through gov.uk.

Good friends can become family and family can be good friends. But if such relationships ever threaten to cause you harm, please remember that you and your wellbeing matter. And that there’s always someone who can help.

Wellbeing notes: Wishing you a mindful festive season

01/12/2024 at 10:44 am | Posted in Happiness, Inspiration, Wellbeing, Wellbeing notes | Leave a comment
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Two women were talking in the library. “I have to confess,” said one, “that Christmas is not my favourite time of year.”  “Same!” said the other. “It’s just too busy, isn’t it? I’ll be worn out by the 25th.”

Since I happen to be one of the many who try a bit too hard to get everything ‘right’ in the run-up to Christmas, this year I’m choosing to be less stressed and more mindful, with the following gentle strategies.

Use your senses

Warming aromas of orange and cinnamon. The crackle of paper as you wrap your gifts. Experiencing the world through your senses is the best way to inhabit each moment of your life. Everything you do in this state of sensory awareness is enhanced. A gift prepared mindfully can bring the recipient a sense of calm which can be at least as important as any monetary value. 

Practise gratitude

Savour the segments of a tangerine and truly take in nature’s abundance. Look around you at the next social gathering, whatever it may be, and enjoy the miracle of other beings. Each person is special when viewed through non-judgemental eyes. When you receive a present, appreciate above all the love behind it.

Choose simplicity

In a nutshell, give yourself ample time to do a little less. An uncomplicated meal of natural ingredients can taste nicer than complex dishes. And a few branches brought in and decorated simply can bring you and your loved ones that elusive thing: a childlike pleasure in Christmas. 

Wellbeing notes: Mulled apple juice recipe

01/10/2024 at 11:18 am | Posted in Wellbeing notes | Leave a comment
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Apples are linked with so many customs and legends, from apple dunking at Halloween, to the story of King Arthur and his final journey to the isle of Avalon (from aballon, the old Welsh for ‘apple’). It can be wonderful to walk our local fields at this time of year where, in places, crab apples cover the ground in a bobbly green carpet; or to stroll in our villages where branches festooned with blush-red apples hang over garden walls. As the days grow colder, apples seem to work especially well with spices, which are traditionally used to enhance immunity, reduce inflammation and relieve painful joints.

One of my favourite October recipes is mulled apple juice. It’s easy to make, fragrant, warming and positively good for you. Feel free to vary the flavouring as you wish. You might add nutmeg or cloves, and perhaps orange peel or fresh ginger. I added six damsons recently, which created a rosé version, as illustrated here.

Ingredients

1 litre apple juice

1 orange

2 cinnamon sticks

2 star anise

Optional: 1 dsp honey

Method

Pour the apple juice into a saucepan and gently heat.

Squeeze half the orange into the apple juice. Slice the other half and put aside. 

Add the cinnamon and star anise.

Simmer gently for around five minutes. Add the orange slices, and honey if using, towards end. Pour into glasses and enjoy. 

Wellbeing notes: Listening to nature’s symphony

01/09/2024 at 10:02 am | Posted in Wellbeing notes | 1 Comment
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Midnight. Outside, a tawny owl is hooting. In the morning, the buzzard takes over: a high, childlike cry. For a few moments, the sound is drowned out by a plane from the Americas, passing overhead. But the plane goes; the buzzard is audible again. And more quietly, here in the garden, there’s the musical fluting of robins and goldfinches, the cooing of woodpigeons, and the rasp of crows. One day, soon, the geese will arrive, honking overhead as they remind us of snowy places, far away in the north. 

The symphony of nature is incredibly varied, when you stop to listen – and all of it tells a story. Wind in the trees on this hillside change like ocean currents when storms approach. Streams gush noisily after heavy rainfall. Boots squelch muddily or perhaps crackle through autumn leaves. 

Listening mindfully to the symphony of nature can be a calming meditation. For the space of ten breaths, focus on what you can hear to your left; then, for another ten breaths, tune into the sounds on your right. And then, finally, listen to your own, inner sounds, such as breathing or even your body’s pulse. The aim is to listen without judgement, understanding that everything and everyone is a part of nature. We are all, according to the poet Kahlil Gibran, ‘sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself’. Appreciating that insight can bring bliss. 

Wellbeing notes: A wellspring within you

01/07/2024 at 5:49 pm | Posted in Wellbeing notes | Leave a comment
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Many years ago, in my 20s, I experienced one of those dreams that you never really forget. In this dream, I met an older version of myself. A fountain sparkled in her garden. She reassured me that my life might get bumpy at times, but it was ultimately going to be okay. 

Roll forward to the present day and who knows how it happened, but I’m now as old as that dream character. Even my home, and its setting, are like hers. But there is one difference. My garden contains no fountain.  

And yet I wonder if something does sparkle here: a sort of spiritual fountain or wellspring, that can be accessed in moments of quietness. This place, after all, has hosted countless meditators as well as those looking for sanctuary. The healing that has taken place here can seem quite tangible at times.

Recently I was sitting in the garden, listening to birdsong – a form of meditation in itself. I became refreshed. And I understood then that we each have a wellspring within us, that sparkles during moments of peace. Just like the water feature of my long-ago dream, this spiritual fountain is full of light. 

I invite you, now, to sit silently, focusing on the rhythm of your breath. If any worries crop up, let them pass through your mind without engaging, just for now. Feel your body and mind relax. In the quietness of this moment, right here, is your own inner wellspring.

Wellbeing notes: Dainty dose of colour therapy

01/06/2024 at 11:12 am | Posted in Wellbeing notes | Leave a comment
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“Just look!” said my dad. “Fox-and-cubs – the wind must have blown the seeds in.” He was pointing to a wild patch of lawn in his Wiltshire garden. Here and there were little dabs of orange, waving on fine stalks. There was something unusual and pleasing about the vivid colour. Right then, I fell in love with Pilosella aurantiaca, to give the Latin name. And nowadays, in June and July, I seem to see them everywhere.

These vibrant flowers are so called because individual blooms are said to resemble foxes; the buds, their young. Native to Europe and a few other places, they’re naturalised here in the UK. You can grow them in borders. However they are especially lovely in lush wildflower lawns.

Once considered a medicinal plant, their most important contribution nowadays may be to bring much needed colour therapy to balance mind and spirit. Orange is often associated with emotional wellbeing – perfect for anyone who considers their life to be somewhat grey. And yet too much orange can have the opposite effect, overwhelming a sensitive disposition. That’s possibly why Pilosella aurantiaca is so pleasing to the eye: visually, the plant is dainty, never completely dominating its green surroundings.

Maybe there’s a place in your life for Fox-and-cubs, or perhaps you can think of another flower that brings a similar sort of joy. Whatever the case, I wish you the perfect degree of nature’s colour therapy to enhance your life this summer. 

Wellbeing notes: Your own, curated history is amazing

01/05/2024 at 9:02 am | Posted in Wellbeing notes | Leave a comment
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There’s a new and friendly group that meets at Chippenham Library every week. It’s called the Thursday Club, and I’ve been privileged to be there, helping out. People of all different ages sit around a table on the ground floor, just by the main door, discussing times past and present over a cup of tea or coffee. 

Every week there’s a theme. Last week’s, for example, was ‘Schools’. All manner of memories – and damning school reports! – were swapped. The week before, the theme was fashion history. One of the things I love most is when people bring in documents, clothes and photos. Some of the ephemera are from our own lifetimes; some are from our forebears’. 

And here’s what I’ve discovered: in a world of dizzying change, it’s therapeutic to look back on how things used to be. Keeping and sharing a small, curated collection from your own family history can help to remind you where you’re from and where you’re going. Last week, for example, I shared documents from my bookish, suffragette great grandmother, Maggie Bevan. In the process, it dawned on me how much she quietly influenced me. And I said a silent ‘thank you’ to her memory. 

When you think back over your own family history, who, or what, helped you to be the person you are today?The Thursday Club meets at 10.30am in Chippenham Library on Thursday mornings. It’s free, and new members are always welcome. Just turn up – there may even be cake!

Wellbeing notes: Being peaceful in a hectic world

01/04/2024 at 1:05 pm | Posted in Wellbeing notes | 4 Comments
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A good friend once lived in a serene flat on a lively street. Cars sped past. Lorries lumbered. But in my friend’s lounge there was a picture of a temple garden that seemed to invite the viewer to breathe, and relax. 

I’ve always loved the contrast between busyness and peace. Perhaps it dates back to an old tollbar cottage that my grandparents used to live in. We children slept under sloping eaves. Outside, cars zoomed. Inside, all was still. Yes, the traffic held dangers. But in the cottage, we always felt safe.

Now, this can require a certain amount of work, a shift of mindset. But sometimes, when you are surrounded by bustle, that’s when you can feel especially peaceful. 

There is an old story that illustrates this. Weighed down by state business, an emperor was hungry for tranquillity. Three of the best artists in the land were summoned to produce a painting that would help him to feel calm. 

The first artist painted a still lake. The second created an untrodden, snowy landscape. “Very nice,” said the emperor. And then he turned to the final painting, which didn’t seem tranquil at all: a forest waterfall crashing down from a great height. “This is the one,” exclaimed the emperor to his puzzled courtiers. And he pointed to a nest, where a bird slept soundly. “That,” said the emperor, “is true tranquillity.”

However hectic the world may be, I wish you the peace of true tranquillity.

Wellbeing notes: Believe, dream, rinse, repeat

01/03/2024 at 6:23 pm | Posted in Wellbeing notes | 2 Comments
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Recently I spent a couple of days by the sea. The apartment was a quiet, uncluttered space. There was little in the way of decoration – why compete with the marvellous view? However, the few decorative touches – cushions, pebbles, wall art – featured a bunch of positive slogans, often with a maritime feel. 

At first I smiled and then basically ignored the uplifting messages. But in an eyrie with little else to distract the eye (when not actually looking at the view), these pieces of advice gradually sunk in, like a sort of mantra. Dream, invited a pebble by the front door. Believe in your dreams, urged a canvas above the kitchen sink. By the sea all worries wash away, whispered a driftwood panel above the harbour boats.  

And actually, I decided, it was very sound advice. How often have you dreamed of something you would love to have in your life and then decided that it wouldn’t be possible, for one reason or another? But it’s okay to believe in a broadly positive future. There is always room for hope. 

And then what about the idea that water can wash away your troubles? I have a friend who has struggled with mental health issues, who has found that outdoor swimming stops the spiral of destructive thoughts like nothing else. Although that’s not for everyone, even a simple, candlelit bath can shift the mood quite wonderfully. What dream do you have? What dream will you believe in today?

Wellbeing notes: Banana bread/tray bake recipe

01/02/2024 at 11:40 am | Posted in Uncategorized, Wellbeing notes | 2 Comments
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There’s something about February. The land is just beginning to warm up, the days are becoming longer, and the snowdrops and aconites in nearby Lacock Abbey gardens are splashing the ground with beauty. After a bracing walk outdoors, it’s the perfect time to enjoy simple home comforts – including, very possibly, some easy baking.

One of my family’s favourite everyday recipes is banana bread. The version we like best comes from BBC Good Food. All you need is 140g each of butter, sugar and self-raising flour, two eggs, one teaspoon of baking powder and – of course – a couple of very ripe, mashed bananas.

Instead of the caster sugar that the BBC recipe calls for, we make use of whatever sugar is in the kitchen: granulated, or perhaps soft brown. We’ve discarded the old loaf tin in favour of a silicon, traybake mould –18cm x 18cm – which bakes quicker. When it’s out of the oven we drizzle it with around 70g icing sugar dissolved in a few teaspoons of water. And, as soon as it’s cool enough, we cut it into springy, fragrant squares roughly the size of a cupcake. There should have been more slices to include in this illustrative photo, but half of them were eaten straight away!

Banana bread is a great example of kitchen therapy – simple dishes, made mindfully, can be hugely soothing to the cook. The traybake pictured here was made during stormy weather, and the contrast between howling winds outside and cosy domesticity indoors is something to be cherished.

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